Things I Know About the Apocalypse

I always assumed that we’d be using bottle caps as money, so I could not have guessed that the new currency would actually be toilet paper. I’m now using actual dollar bills to wipe with because we’re down to just 15 rolls of TP and that’s basically my daughter’s college fund. Which will be entirely online, of course, because in a few years we’ll all have our eyeballs replaced with small computer monitors that face into our skull towards the optic nerve. That just seems like the natural course.

Anyway, I don’t understand why toilet paper is such a rare commodity in my area. There are other things equally as hard to come by, like bleach, Lysol products, and cleaning supplies in general. I have to assume that everyone in this town never cleaned their houses before March 15, 2020. At around the same time there was a sudden lack of certain medical supplies. This is especially worrisome when you actually NEED those things for, you know, medical reasons and not just to wipe down your groceries when you bring them home.

So now, more than ever, I rely on the liquor store for all my medicinal needs.

95% pure grain rocket fuel (5% demon drool)

 When you pour this stuff into an open wound it not only gets that 190 proof straight into your blood stream as a pain reliever (because hoo daddy it does sting just a wee bit on the first application), but I don’t know any single-celled organism that can survive it. I’m pretty sure it would rid you of many multi-celled organisms should you find yourself infected with those as well. Like armpit mice or whatever. But because there isn’t a drop of rubbing alcohol within 200 miles, I use this to sterilize the thermometer we use every day, and it’s starting to deteriorate the silicone coating. So you know it’s good for you!

And now that I’m thinking about hygiene, why are professional hairstylists trying to discourage people from cutting or dying their own hair? It’s not like it’ll put them out of a job. If anything their business will be booming when this is over from the shear number of people needing them to “fix” their hair. But if Mad Max has taught me anything, it’s that there’s really no downside to letting people do it themselves, especially where hairstyles are concerned! For instance:

"I kept trying to make it even, and it kept getting shorter."

Above is the “I Did it Myself” which will probably be the most common look in the post apocalypse as people turn to their reflections with dull scissors and a box of L’Oreal.

"When there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand."

The “I Don’t Care” will probably show up a lot. People just letting it grow because why bother when you never leave the house anyway. The “I Don’t Care” is often combined with the “I Just Want it Out of My Eyes” as seen above.

"I found him hiding in the backyard after I realized that I'd actually been teaching second grade math to the dog for the past 5 weeks."

The “I’m Fine” is achieved with dry shampoo, 37 elastic bands, and an entire bottle of wine at 9AM. Because homeshooling, cooking, and being stuck in a house with these people all the freaking time is hard. But I'm fine. Really.

Some of you might be sporting one of these styles already!

Anyway… There are a lot more post apocalyptic movies and shows to draw inspiration from that I might explore at another time. And there’s so much more I’m realizing about my “new normal” that there might very well be a part two to this at some point!