As an introvert, I’ve been preparing for this my entire life.
I mean, this whole “shelter in place” thing is sort of my job. I wake up every morning, make tea, open my office blinds, and sit at my computer. When I get hungry, I eat. When my bladder gets full, I eat. When I’m tired, I eat. Sometimes I even wash my hands.
I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that so many people are having a hard time with this right now. It’s, like, not that hard. Amazon delivers almost everything I need, technology allows me to communicate with other humans, and my superior resourcefulness takes care of the rest. For instance; did you know that when the toilet paper roll runs out, you still have a marginally usable material that most people just throw away? Unrolling that cardboard tube not only gives you something to do for 30 seconds, but it’s also a TP alternative that lets you know when you’ve been wiped.
All five of the people I know personally are well aware of my hermit tendencies. But even some of them can’t understand how I survive like this. “Don’t you miss talking to people?” Pheh! No. “Don’t you get lonely?” Pheh! No. Besides, there’s a man sitting in the recliner in my living room (I’m sure I’ll get around to going in there someday…) whom I can visit if I ever get the urge to share a room with another person. I assume I’m married to him since he’s been in that recliner for over twenty years now. We probably have a lot in common to talk about… Eh, I’ll send him an email.
“You’ve owned that house for five years. Do you even know any of your neighbors?” Do you mean have I ever met any of them? No, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know them. I sit here in my office, a.k.a. my Box of Solitude, and watch them all day. Their comings and goings; their deliveries and visitors; their lawn care routines and work schedules. I probably know them better than they know each other!
Hm, the satellite seems to have captured this after we had the pool installed but before the deck was built. So I’m guessing it was June 16, 2018 at 3:27 PM. Maybe 3:28.
Regardless, my Box of Solitude faces the street so I’ve got a front row seat to all of the action. Clockwise from my house:
1. Martha Stewart doesn’t actually live next door to us. That’s just what I call her because of her age and fastidiousness. I’ve yet to get a clear view into one of her windows, but I assume her kitchen counters are covered in freshly baked cookies, flower arrangements, and bongs.
2. For Sale is the wild card. The previous owners were the Home Improvers. Which now suddenly makes sense because apparently they planned to sell the house… Huh.
3. RV Park has a really nice Coachman parked in their driveway that never leaves. I’m not sure what they use it for, but it’s definitely not for vacations. I’d suspect a meth lab, but I’ve never seen any chemistry teachers lurking around.
4. The Kids is where the only kids under 12 live on this end of the street. They ride bikes and yell. Their stay-at-home father checks the mail every day at 2:25 PM.
5. The Rednecks I know the most about because I have the best view of them. The son graduated high school a couple of years ago and moved out last year. He still visits every week and brings his girlfriend along. The father is a truck driver so he’s gone a few days a week and the mother works in a doctor’s office of some kind. They have a large extended family who are constantly visiting. They also own a couple of 4-wheeler ATVs that they proceed to run up and down the street when extended family are visiting. They all drive pickup trucks. They burn their trash instead of paying a refuse company to take it away like everyone else. They have a chihuahua named Abby that has the run of the neighborhood and barks at every-effing-thing. There’s so much more. I could write a book about them.
6. Trapdoor Spiderman rarely leaves the house but gets a delivery every single day from UPS, Fed-Ex, or the USPS. And sometimes all three. The box gets delivered onto his porch and I see his door open, a hairy arm reach out, and it snatches the box inside. I never see boxes leave the house, however. I think he might be a hoarder.
7. The Decorators moved in a couple of years ago. They are the only people on the street who put ornaments in their yard to reflect the season/holiday.
8. The Race Car People recently had a baby and they own a race car that lives in a white trailer in their driveway. A few times a week the husband rolls it into the open and proceeds to crank the motor. Then he proceeds to rev the motor for many minutes. Now, I’ve been to a space shuttle launch in person, and the decibels that produces are a whisper compared to the sound that effing car makes. I gave up trying to keep photos hanging on my bedroom wall.
And finally,
9. Fake Dog. These people moved in last year and I don’t see much of them so I don’t know much about them. I thought they owned the world’s most patient and obedient dog. Until I realized about a week later that it was actually a statue sitting on their front porch.
1. Martha Stewart doesn’t actually live next door to us. That’s just what I call her because of her age and fastidiousness. I’ve yet to get a clear view into one of her windows, but I assume her kitchen counters are covered in freshly baked cookies, flower arrangements, and bongs.
2. For Sale is the wild card. The previous owners were the Home Improvers. Which now suddenly makes sense because apparently they planned to sell the house… Huh.
3. RV Park has a really nice Coachman parked in their driveway that never leaves. I’m not sure what they use it for, but it’s definitely not for vacations. I’d suspect a meth lab, but I’ve never seen any chemistry teachers lurking around.
4. The Kids is where the only kids under 12 live on this end of the street. They ride bikes and yell. Their stay-at-home father checks the mail every day at 2:25 PM.
5. The Rednecks I know the most about because I have the best view of them. The son graduated high school a couple of years ago and moved out last year. He still visits every week and brings his girlfriend along. The father is a truck driver so he’s gone a few days a week and the mother works in a doctor’s office of some kind. They have a large extended family who are constantly visiting. They also own a couple of 4-wheeler ATVs that they proceed to run up and down the street when extended family are visiting. They all drive pickup trucks. They burn their trash instead of paying a refuse company to take it away like everyone else. They have a chihuahua named Abby that has the run of the neighborhood and barks at every-effing-thing. There’s so much more. I could write a book about them.
6. Trapdoor Spiderman rarely leaves the house but gets a delivery every single day from UPS, Fed-Ex, or the USPS. And sometimes all three. The box gets delivered onto his porch and I see his door open, a hairy arm reach out, and it snatches the box inside. I never see boxes leave the house, however. I think he might be a hoarder.
7. The Decorators moved in a couple of years ago. They are the only people on the street who put ornaments in their yard to reflect the season/holiday.
8. The Race Car People recently had a baby and they own a race car that lives in a white trailer in their driveway. A few times a week the husband rolls it into the open and proceeds to crank the motor. Then he proceeds to rev the motor for many minutes. Now, I’ve been to a space shuttle launch in person, and the decibels that produces are a whisper compared to the sound that effing car makes. I gave up trying to keep photos hanging on my bedroom wall.
And finally,
9. Fake Dog. These people moved in last year and I don’t see much of them so I don’t know much about them. I thought they owned the world’s most patient and obedient dog. Until I realized about a week later that it was actually a statue sitting on their front porch.
not taking a photo of your porch.
So you can see that even when I never leave the house I still have a life. Sort of. Maybe I have to take massive quantities of vitamin D every day and I sometimes forget how to pronounce words out loud, but I’ve got the view out my window and my neighbors and the squirrels to keep me entertained. Which reminds me! I’ll have to tell you all about Flick, Chip, Spaz, and Major Nutsack one of these days!
But right now I have to go count toilet paper rolls and bleach the front door.
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